From Peter Gabriel’s “Mercy Street.”
Let’s take the boat out
Wait until darkness
Let’s take the boat out
Wait until darkness comes
Let’s take the boat out and contemplate the one word in the translation of “aloha” that never seemed to fit, but it seems more and more to encompass the definition.
From Wikipedia: “Aloha (/ɑːˈloʊhɑː/; Hawaiian: [əˈloːˌha]) is the Hawaiian word for love, affection, peace, compassion and mercy, that is commonly used as a simple greeting but has a deeper cultural and spiritual significance to native Hawaiians.”
Love, affection, peace and compassion: I get it. When I say “Aloha” to you, or at the end of a yoga session, it is what I am offering you. The more I think about it though, mercy is what I am offering myself. And it is what I refuse.
Supplicant. Criminal. Just a broken man. On the floor, with arms outstretched to the universe. Tears coursing down my face. Pain compressed into a tight ball in my chest. Expanding. Searing along every nerve ending. Until it feels as if I am in that old torture device, an iron maiden, where I am in the body shaped tomb lined with nails and it closes upon me.
“Just a break,” I scream. “Just some peace.”
But it could just as well be, “Mercy!”
I’ve been there on the floor, and then huddled into my ball. Waiting for the waves of the depressive attack to wash over and through me, waiting for them to ebb, so I could stand again. Waiting for mercy.
But am I waiting for the universe to grant me mercy? Or am I waiting for myself to grant me mercy?
Let’s take the boat out
Wait until darkness
Let’s take the boat out
Wait until darkness comes
And the darkness has come. More nights than not now. Aye, I was expecting it. I want to wander the halls of twilight, where I can dance and play, romance and fly. Write. Think. Wander. But the darkness is like a vortex pulling me into the halls of midnight, a darker place, with the demons and imps and the regrets of 49 years. I was trying to run from it, was doing a damn good job of it, but it’s hard to run anywhere in lockdown.
Mercy? Noun, “compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.”
I’m beating the hell out of myself these days. The big three no-no’s of therapy are standing behind me with their cat of nine tails, lashing me as I go about my day. Every time I sit still. Should have, could have, and would have. 16 hours a day to myself, to do anything and everything I always wanted to do and yet?
Let’s take the boat out
Wait until darkness
Let’s take the boat out
Wait until darkness comes
I need to think about this some more, as the boat rocks in the cool night air on the waves of depression. Contemplate the unthinkable: forgiving myself. Being compassionate to myself. Showing myself mercy.
I bow to you all, and tip my cap.