This is just WEIRD. I’m sipping my coffee at 7am. In case you don’t know, I’m not a morning person. I have NEVER been a morning person. For 48 years, through grade school, high school, college, jobs and careers, I always slept in–the Drill Sergeants had a little bit of luck with me. 10 or so is my normal.
My last and final semester of college where I was paying a lot of money? It was a required class, taught by my advisor. The History of Journalism. I had had to withdraw 3 times before. The reason? He only taught it M-W-F 8am-10am. So I had to take out another loan just because I couldn’t wake up. (I did get an A by the way.)
But now, when I have nothing to do but sleep in? Yeah, I’m waking up at friggin’ 6-7 like a normal person. WTH? You all really do this every morning? I mean, its kind of nice but what is really the point? The sun creeping up. Birds chirping. And me with my coffee.
It is a nice time to reflect though. I wish I could break out that yoga mat that I don’t own anymore, but I’m getting there. It is a nice time to think. And to make a choice.
It’s the same choice every morning, whether I am making it at 10am or 7 am. It is the choice to be happy. The choice to live the day on my terms.
I think it is a choice that many people make unconsciously, and make the wrong choice. It is so damn easy to be miserable, pensive, and, especially now, to be depressed.
Time to start oversharing: if it is not your thing, be warned.
As a depressive, this is a difficult time. The thoughts are back as I knew they would be. Throughout the day, depending on what intrudes on me, another choice hits me: hope or suicide? The difficult path or the easier path?
Now, nobody needs to call the police and have them interrupt my coffee. They are no plans to harm myself. It is just a thought, an idea, something I’ve lived with most of my life. It is just a reality for me, like other people deciding on strawberry or vanilla ice cream–it really is that mundane.
The suicidal thoughts can swarm around me like gnats on a hot summer evening. You brush them aside and get back to talking with your friends or doing something you do or doing something that has to be done.
Thoughts are like paths to me. My creativity naturally begs me to follow them down a ways to explore. I do follow the darker ones while working on my book on depression. But sunrise is a good time to anchor myself in the day. In hope.
Here is hoping you make the right choice today, enjoy that cup of coffee, and let your mind expand into the network of friends and loved ones around you.
I’m going to get started on my landscaping. After a couple more cups of coffee.